My Strength

Where does our strength come from? How is one person stronger than the other? How does one persons strength show and another's doesn't?
Throughout the past four or five months people have been telling me how strong I am. Or they ask me how I can be so strong. I had no idea where it came from nor do I feel strong. It is weird...I just have this over coming feeling that all is ok and i have a peace about the whole thing. I have never understood it and I just figured that it was just the way I was made. That I am good under pressure and able to handle the hard stuff.
Well, today at church it became clear to me. The guest pastor was telling us a story about one of his parishioners .....then it was like he was talking to me.... "Through the darkest moments, the peace and strength you feel is God there with you." ..... It hit me like lightening..this entire time I have had Him with me.
Months ago, I met a little boy, Jackson Godwin. A sweet boy who was here at MDA getting treatment. We exchanged bracelets..I gave him my Just Pruitt bracelet and he gave me his "God is big enough.". I have worn that bracelet everyday...I have gained my strength knowing that this sweet 8 year old gave me his bracelets. I've been praying for him and David....and now I got it re-affirmed that He is with me. Some how it made it easier today. It just explained how I've been able to get through all of this, how I have a calm inner peace about this entire thing.
He is with me and I trust Him!!

It's almost here

It's almost here...transplant time is almost here. As it approaches I am having difficulty....not with the situation, not with the transplant, not with trying to juggle everything.... But I'm having difficulty knowing that I can't be there to help David through all that he needs. When I'm with the kids or at work he will be at the hospital either alone or with his family. And as lucky as we are to have them to sit with him while I have to work......it's not the same.
Something else that has been hard...is that most people look at me like they feel sorry for me. They don't know what to say so they smile with this look in their eyes.
I don't know why this has happened to us. I don't understand it. But I know there is a plan . I trust that this is the right place and right time for things no matter how hard. I wish every one could find thy peace with our situation. I can't fix how everyone feels, nor will I. But I have to help the kids, David and myself.... That is my priority. I can't help you through your journey. I can't help you understand.
My journey and path through this are different than yours. We all handle things differently. Somedays I'm going to be sad or angry or short....but this is my journey...my way of dealing with this. You are not in my shoes nor are you walking in my shoes so you don't know how I feel or what I'm going through. Everyone's situation is different . No two situations are the same....we can not compare them. We can only get through the day one day at a time.
So with all that being said..... If I am short or don't feel like talking.... Don't take it personally...don't think I'm callous...know I am getting through the day the best that I can. If I don't want to spend time with you....know I just need some space. Nothing over the next few months is about anyone but David, the kids and me.

The look of pity

A few weeks ago at MD Anderson I saw a mom and her daughter walking. Her little girl was about 5. They were walking, talking smiling and the little girl was pushing her pole of meds on wheels. I smiled at the little girl, then with tears and a smile I looked at the mom. The mom smiled but it was not a kind warming smile but a smile of don't look at me that way. I didn't understand that smile. I was confused and had no idea what i had done. So i started to watch people and how they respond and how they look at one another.
When I look in the mirror I see the same person I was 3 1/2 months ago. When I look at my children, I see the same kids, but just a bit taller. When I look at my husband, I see the same person I have known for the last 13 years, only thinner and weaker...but still the same.
But when you look at us, what do you see? Do you see us the way you did 6 months ago, a year ago? Ten years ago? Or are you looking at us with pity and despair? Are you looking at us with sorrow in your eyes? With the look of "I don't know what to say"?
Since I have been home for the summer I have realized how many people treat us different because of David's cancer. People have come out of the wood work....offers of sincere help and concern from all corners of the world have come together to help us. It has truly been a blessing. But it's the look in people's eyes....I don't think you realize it's there...it's the look of pity, the gasp in your breath, the "awww" your kids, the tears in your eyes when you talk to us...that's what is hard. That is harder then dealing with the cancer. I have come to realize this look when people haven't seen David or I in a long time. It's the immediate reaction when they see him for the first time.
After my encounter with this mom, I have tried very hard to be sincere with my smile at MD Anderson. I am sure that they are feeling the same things that I am. We don't want your pity....we want you to be sincere. Yes, cancer is hard, its devastating, its awful...it just sucks. But deep down, we are just a family, a family trying to get through the day. A family who is living as normal as we can. A family who is going to get through this.
So, if you don't know what to say, just say "hi". You don't have to ask how we are or how David feels...that gets old...a simple "hi, I've been thinking about you" can go a longer way than the look of pity!

Lonely

Life as a caregiver is very lonely. I have friends and family and the kids...I have an awesome support system, but the lonely part is the time I miss with my husband. Those quiet moments, those late night conversations, the silly moments in the car when I'm singing, the times he tries to talk to me when I'm blow drying my hair....all those things are gone. There are no quiet moments, no small little conversations. All his energy is consumed by just getting through the day. There is hardly anything left at the end of the day.
I've tried filling this void by talking to my family and friends on the phone, but it's just not the same. Something is missing....it's a void that only he can fill. It's a void I see missing in him as well. Cancer has really robbed us of so many things...I can't wait to get everything back once we get through all of this!

2012 Be The One Run - Houston: ann pruitt - Be the One Run

The kids and I are participating in a 5K run (kids are walking) to help support the Be The Match organization. This is our little part that we have decided to do as a family to show our support as David fights his battle with MDS.

We signed up to participate in their 2012 Be The One Run which helps raise funds to support people with blood cancers like leukemia and lymphoma and other life-threatening diseases. Be The Match focuses on giving patients their best hope for a cure – a marrow transplant.

Make your donation today by visiting my Be The One Run fundraising page. With your gift, more prospective donors will be added to the Be The Match Registry, transplant research will continue to advance, and more lives will be saved.

Thank you for your support!
Ann, Andrew, Austin and Avery


2012 Be The One Run - Houston: ann pruitt - Be the One Run

Guilt...

Recently ..via twitter...I was given an article from cancer wise...an account affiliated with MDA. They attached the blog of another caregiver and the feelings of guilt. Before I read this I didn't know exactly what I was feeling. I thought it was anger, resentment, jealousy, or bitterness...or I don't know actually how to describe what I was feeling. But I labeled it as all of those things I mentioned. But after reading that blog I realize it is guilt. I feel guilty. Everyone tells me to take care of myself. Do things for myself. Eat. Relax. Rest. Go do things with friends. Do things with the kids. All of these things are important...don't get me wrong. But the guilt I feel is incredible. I feel guilty if I do something for me. I feel guilty if I eat because my husband can't. I feel guilty if I relax because he's uncomfortable. I feel guilty to rest because he is restless. I feel guilty to be with my friends because I'm not with him. I feel guilty doing things by myself with the kids because we can't do them as a family. I feel guilty leaving him at the hospital alone becaue he can't go home. I feel guilty that I can't be at every appointment because he has to be.I have found that I can take a few minutes to be alone without the guilt. I can go for a short run. I can get a quick pedicure...but at the 45 minute mark I start to get nervous. I have been able to ncome to the cafeteria at mda to eat alone but I'm only good for about 30-45 minutes. I can only do what I am comfortable with. No one can force me to take a break. No one can force me not to bring my husband to the doctor. I just wish that everyone would just understand that I am doing what I can. Know that I am taking care of myself but that I feel I need to do this. I feel like I am the one who has to do this. What I don't know is how I'm going to handle the guilt of going back to work when he can't. Or the guilt of not being able to take care of him during the transplant time...the days iafter the hospital. That's the guilt I have to start working on!!!
I know there is a reason, a path that I'm suppose to be on. The reasons may never be clear and I may never understand....but I have faith it will all work out. Will it be easy NO....David and I, well we don't do anything easy! But we will get through!!!
#justpruitt

Hanging out at md anderson

For the past month I have been hanging out at md anderson. It is amazing the amount of things that you see. As a people watcher I am starting to recognize people. Or I should say cancer patients...leukemia cancer patients that we see 3 to 4 times a week. It is amazing to see the transformation that has taken place. It is not only the transformation I see in my husband, but the transformation that I see in other people. Most of the people that i sit next to in the waiting room are over the age of 65. David and I are some of the youngest people in the room. (thank God that I am not in the Childrens section!!!) I have come to this conclusion during this process.....Cancer does not discriminate....it is an equal opportunist. It hits all races, all socioeconomical backgrounds, all ages, both male and female and it rips the lives apart of everyone it touches. There are not many things in our society today that we can say doesn't discriminate 100%..... But cancer.... Cancer is non discriminatory! And it sucks!!!!

Transplant news

Today was the day I have been waiting weeks for...to meet and talk to the transplant doctor. I've been waiting to hear those words...perfect match". But today...was not that day. Today instead I heard "potential match" A match that can only be 9 out of 10 as a match. It's the best they can do. So, the sample arrived yesterday..now the doctor will screen it...this will take about a week to scan. If she likes what she sees then she will contact the donor and we move forward. If the sample does not match then she will no longer look at stem cell as an option. Instead she will start looking at cord blood donation. This is the next step. Due to something in David's DNA it has been hard for them to find a "perfect match". They are surprised because it is usually easy for a caucasian white male to find a donor..... So while they aree scanning the sample they are actively looking for a cord donor as well. So BEST case scenario is that we could be going to transplant in 6 weeks. This is all great news, but disappointing to me at the same time. Its hard to hear that you will to have a perfect match. It is hard to imagine that we might have to do a third round of chemo....a "baby" dose she described it as. This all came as a huge disappointment to me. Yes, I should be celebrating the small victories.... But today all I heard was, that she is working on it. Its hard to celebrate when she herself doesn't know. I just want to scream. I just want to rewind time. I just want to understand why us. I want to know how it was decided that we go through this. I know there's a plan and that we may never know the reasons.....but my mind wanders.... Did I do something? Am I being punished? Did I not love him enough before all of this? Did I not cherish our time together? Did I put the kids before him too much?? Because I haven't taken care of my kids in 4 weeks... Someday I will understand...someday I will look back and a realize that this was a little bump in the road. Someday it will be behind us...but right now....I'm a little angry. Right now I'm jealous of the vacations everyone is taking. Right now I'm missing summer time with my kids. There is my pitty party for the day.

June sux- my summer sux so far

June...summertime...time to be with the kids by the pool going on vacation...just having fun. None of that has happened for me and it sux. I feel awful that I feel this way. People on Facebook are complaining that thier kids are fighting, they can't wait for their vacation, they are bored, they got rained on and it ruined their plans...the list goes on and on. Normally I would be right there with them...but this summer I am jealous that they get to complain about that, that they get to take a vacation, that they get to hang out by the pool.....that just isn't my summer this year and I am so envious that they have that!!! It is amazing how fast things can change your perspective!!!There are 30 days in June and out of those 30 days David has been at MD Anderson for 25 of them. That in itself is a shocking number to me. TWENTY FIVE DAYS.............25 days of not feeling well, of strep, pneumonia and fever. Twenty five days of antibiotics and other stuff being pumped into him. Twenty five days of having his family visiting him at the hospital. Twenty five days of sleeping in a hospital bed. Twenty five days of hospital food. Twenty five days of not being home!!! Out of those Twenty five days he has seen the kids twice!! That is another shocking number. A number that sux!! A number that just isn't fair. A number that is hard to explain to small kids. It just sux!! I try to busy myself with other things...I've tried to get back into running. But as I set some goals for myself (run a 5k in Sept., run 10 miles in October and my first half in January) things seem to gthe complicated.....David being put in the hospital, the heat/humidity at 6:45am is crazy! So I have to figure out how to start training when it is 95 degrees with the heat index!! I just can't give up on this!!! I've also figured out that if I focus on other people then it makes it easier for me. I always ask about my friends and whats going on and making sure they are ok. I always did this before, but I've made it a point to keep it up..even during difficult times for me. It helps keep me some.Hopefully we will get some news from the latest test and the dr can get David better so that July can be spent at home....with the kids....the 5 of us..a family!!!

The first 24 hours home

I now know why people say they HATE cancer. Cancer takes a healthy person and riddles their body down to nothing. I have seen this transformation. I have seen what cancer has done...in a matter of 3 months cancer has taken a person I know and love and turned them into the shell of that person. I look at my husband and it is hard to believe what cancer has done to him. I hate cancer...I never thought I would say that. I hate it. I hate what cancer has done to to my husband, to me, to my kids...to our family. Although I don't understand why we have been given this journey I know that we will overcome and that my husband will beat this. I know that one day my husband will be the person he was before cancer. I know that we will be stronger on the other side...all of us...my husband, me and especially my kids!! So my husband has come home....he can berely walk, needs help with everything and yet MD Anderson felt that since he was done with his 14 days of antibiotics that he could come home....with no PT.....hello?? How do I help him get upstairs? Get around? Just do everyday things? Well if my 95 year old grandparents can do it...then so can I! So, we are managing to do everyday things. David hates to ask for help, and I am learning when to ask and when to just do. I'm very impressed with all that he is motivated to do. It really is motivating. He wants to get back to what he was. It is so hard to watch. He has to first think about what he wants to do then after a few minutes of concentrating he does it. Why is it so much harder for an adult to re-learn to walk then it is for a toddler? His body aches....I don't remember the kids being so sore when they were learning......it is awful. It is cruel. It is painful to watch. But I put on my face and help him out. I try to not show my pain. I don't want him to see how much it breaks my heart to see what cancer has done to him. I can see it in his eyes though...he is not good at hiding it. I hope that I am better at it. So we continue on ...because it is the JUST PRUITT way!!!!

Even hell has a ray of sunshine....

Today was a great day for David.  I was able to witness his walking for the first time.  It is amazing to see his motivation and determination.  It is inspiring to watch.  Each step made me so happy.  Even though it was hard for him, he did it.  Each time he would rest I would tell him how great he was doing and how proud of him I was.  Then up he would go again.  It was great to watch.  After that I encouraged him to rest a bit.  After a short nap, we decided it was time to shave his head and beard.  Over the past 14 days his hair started to grow back in patches...so I knew he would feel better if he shaved.  It is crazy that I never thought I'd be shaving anything other than my own legs and armpits...but here I was today shaving his head, cheeks, neck....and praying at the same time that I wouldn't cut him because he has no platelets and will bleed.  Gosh can you imagine..."excuse me nurse, I was shaving my husband and he's bleeding.."  OMG...that's the first thing they tell you...no platelets then no razors...and me the rebel bringing a razor to shave him.  LOL.
It was great to see his face all clean shaved and it made him feel better.  I even go a sweet smile...something that I have missed over the course of the last 14 days.
It was a hard day for me because I decided I needed to do a little something for myself.  One year ago I started running and today I had to get out there and run a little....3.7 miles little... It felt great and helped me destress alittle.  I also went and had lunch with my sweet kids who I have been neglecting the past 14 days.  It is hard to choose between helping David and hanging out with the kids. I never put myself first...I always choose David or the kids.  Today a friend of mine told me "you can't please everyone, so pick one person a day and please them."  So today, I picked the kids.  But in the end I think I helped David too by helping him shave.  This was great advice for me.  My friend was right...I will never be able to please everyone....so trying for one person might be all that I can handle right now.  Someday I will put myself on that list.

Today was a great day of meeting goals and celebrating them for myself, talking to my kids and seeing them smile, and watching my husband work to overcome an obstacle that he must tackle.  It was a great day!

Hell is never far behind

Hell may be in my rear view mirror but it's far from over! Tonight I realized that people are doing all kinds of things for David. He's extremely lucky to have his family. His parents are there for him, his brother and sister too. They are ready to come if and when needed. I'm jealous that he has that. Then my mom is here for him...she is taking care of the kids so that I can spend the 12-15 hours a day at the hospital or spend the night if I need to. David also has all of his friends that are sending text messages, emails and starting prayers around the different parts of the state. Then you have the crazy girls who are proclaiming their love for David and whining how things didn't work out and how they wanna go entertain him at the hospital when I'm not around....are you kidding me?? He didn't want you the first time why does he want you now? We also have my friends who are bringing dinners and offering to take me out do I get a break. He has so much....but why do I feel all alone? Why do I feel like I have no one and he has everyone? Why? My sweet friend seem to know what I need. They have really let me be and when I start to feel blue it's almost like they know and I get a text message that helps me get through the blues. Then I have my blog...it has been a great outlet for me. But it has become a great source of pain becaue people read it and it hurts their feelings. So now I have people mad at me for the way I feel. Like I need anymore stress to add to my plate. Everyone tells me how strong I am, that I am an inspiration for the way I'm handling things...but truly inside I'm hanging on by a thread. And now I have to worry about other peoples feeling and how I hurt them because of the way I'm feeling while I'm dealing with my husbands cancer, trying to help the kids through their feelings and trying to keep things as normal as possible for them....and that leaves nothing for me. I seem to be an after thought for everyone except my close friends, sister and my mom. Yes it a great network I have, but the network is so much bigger for David because his is here and they are here for him.... I'm just the after thought...the careagiver.....

Frustrating

Ever since David woke up all I wanted to do was spend time with him...and I've had that opportunity every afternoon and evening. But the thing is.....he is not himself. He doesn't smile and he doesn't laugh and doesn't say the things he use to. Somehow it is different....it's just not the same. So I will continue to wait and my heart will continue to ache for David and the day I get to spend time with him!!! I hate cancer and the things that is does to the people we love!!!!

Looking at hell in the rear view mirror

I can finally say that I am looking at hell in the rear view mirror. As I look back at everything that went on over the past 9 days things are becoming more clear. It is clear now that my husband was in a medically induced coma. I can say that now. I am so glad that they didn't use those terms with me a week ago. I don't think I could have handled it. I also see the severity of his pneumonia and adema as well as the dialysis. All of these are life threatening conditions, but at no time did I ever think I was going to lose my husband. At no time ever was I told that we were there. I always knew that this would be over..I just didn't know when. I also see that everything I did was medically necessary at the time in order to save my husband. In all actuality I never second guessed myself in the moment while talking to the doctor, it was always after while I was waiting for the procedure or while I was watching the machine do its job. In my heart I knew it was right, but when you are here for too long, or alone for a second with your thoughts your mind and heart play tricks on you. I do know that it was all the right thing to do. I do have to brag a little...during this time I was able to laugh, joke and have a little fun during the times I'd go down to the cafeteria or when I would go home. It was all so stressful, I wanted to be alone with my husband but I was not selfish with my time. As selfish as I want to be with my time with him I am sharing him with his family. Its funny that I feel selfish for wanting to spend time with him. Usually I want a little "me" time but right now all I want to do is spend time with him while he is awake and lucid. I hate to feel like I have to share him right now....I am sure that's how his parents feel too....it's just a huge ball of raw emotions mixed with stress and relief...that I am hoping doesn't blow up like a ball of dynamite. Ha! And if I do blow up like that....well it is well deserved! I've held it together this long....

9 days of hell

I am on the floor in tears rocking back and forth trying to comprehend the realm of how my world has just turned upside down. I can't stop thinking about what he is going to look like, how he is feeling, will he better off this way? OMG I HAVE TO CALL HIS MOM!!! When they bring me back into his room, it feels like almost an out of body experience. I'm looking at him and he's asleep yet his mouth is moving and he is coughing. I have to run out. Thy think that I am going to be sick, but i just had to get out to get some air and regain my composure. The doctor was very kind with me. He was patient and let me get it back together so he could explain what was going on. I sit down and look up at the clock...it's 3:30....time to make the call. They are up at the hospital within 45 minutes of my phone call. It is hard to believe that we are looking at david on a ventilator. They comfort one another while I stand there. I then go back to my little chair bed, alone....while they sit together. I imagine their thoughts are similar to mine.... Why did this happen? Will he be ok? But I have my own thoughts as well....what have I done? Are they mad that this is what I agreeded to? What will I tell the kids? How am I going to do this? In the morning I meet with so many doctors it is unreal. I am overwhelmed with information but I am able to ask question. I look like hell...I feel like hell.. My mom flies in and arrives at MD Anderson. I walk downstairs to find her and when I see her I run to her and fall apart...in the middle of the hall...I fall apart in my moms arms.... David is stable enough that I go home that night. I do not sleep well and I am back in the waiting room at 9:00 waiting to meet with the doctor. I do this everyday....and then leave about 9:30pm. I sit and talk to him, ask questions and hang out with his family. During the first few days they run lots of tests to try and figure out what the infection is...they finally come and tell me that he has over 1000 colonies of bacteria growing in his blood and he is septic. I am freaking out a little inside, but still keep it together. There are a lot of tears on this floor, but I can't do that right now. If I start I just won't stop....I must be strong...I will be strong...this will not defeat me...I will be relentless! They finally figure out that David has strep... Like strep throat....but it is in his blood stream. Inside I'm screaming...."ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? STREP THROAT???" Thy have to do a bunch of thimgs to find the source of the strep. So they put in a new PICC line in his right arm. Once they figure out it is in the right spot the pull the old one. Then they start using the new one. Well the doctor didn't like that because the antibiotics hadn't been on for 24 hours....so they are going to need to put in a groin IV port because it's possible the bacteria attached to the new PICC line. UGH! They get that in and pull the new PICC.... luckily David feels nothing! On Saturday morning I'm here and meet with the doctor.. He has strep, he septic, now he has pneumonia and adema...and they are worried about his kidney function. Can I not get any good news??? This is another decision I have to consider, another signature...will David understand why I did all of this? Will his family?? Am I making the right choice? These are the things that run through my mind while I'm signing on the line to start dialysis. Due to his weak state the process is explained in detail. The renal doctor has decided to do a slow moving 24 hour dialysis to help David. Sunday I am back at 9am meeting with doctors.... All looks good, he's stable and they dialysis is done and we are going to watch to see how the kidneys do. We have a great nurse on Sunday and she starts to get David turned and moving in his bed. H also gets a sponge bath. I tell him "you have two really cute young nurse who are going to bather you. I am giving you permission to enjoy yourself." we all laugh about this. Monday morning i call the nurse to see how the night was..she informs me that the sedation is off. Well I jump out of bed and I rush to the hospital. Meet with all the doctors, dialysis worked and we re going to watch him all day. I rush in to see David. I am so excited and nervous. I get to his room and I feel like I have been hit by a truck. NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL. I stay all day and talk to him and wait and wait and wait. I decide to spend the night because i dont want him to wake up and be alone. nothing all night.... I am so sad and scared. The night nurse is so nice. She hears me crying and tells me it is ok that sometimes it takes time but that he will come around. I ask her through tears.."what if he wakes up and doesn't remember me? What if he doesn't know who I am?" she just smiles at me and tells me that everything's gonna be all right, On Tuesday i went home in the afternoon since there was no movement. Phil and Diane stayed. David started moving a bit In the afternoon. Phil would tell him to lift his head and he would. I was so happy to see the movement. My baby was coming back. At around 7 I told David big bang theory was on...he started sitting up and moving his hands and feet. He did this til 1030. Then went to sleep. It's 4am on Wednesday morning...45 hours no sedation and David is finally waking up. He's kicking his feet and pulling his arms and trying to sit up. He wiggled far enough down they had to reposition him. He's trying to sit up to get to his hand so he can pull the vent tube out. The awful thing is that we have to wait til sometime between 7-10 so the entire team of Dr.s can be here to assess him! it breaks my heart to see the pain in his eyes. I want to help him but can't. I keep him calm all through the morning. Through the breatng tests through the doctor visits and finally...... The Tube is out! He is opening his eyes and talking. Although it's not all making sense..... He's talking. I don't get anytime alone with him between the doctors and his family. It's weird... My husband is awake but he's not really my husband yet. He's not smiling, not laughing, not joking...it just breaks my heart. I finally get a second to see him and look into his eyes to tell him how happy I a he's awake and that's love him and he asks "how long have I been here". I explain....he has tears running down his face and so do I.... He just lost a week to sleep...while i sat at his bedside. I go home for a bit to shower and nap. When I return he is Sitting in chair. He stays there from 3-10. We have a good night. I am super lonely though.... I'm sitting next to my husband, but he still isn't back...he doesn't wanna talk, or look at me..its weird..he looks at me with pity, with sorrow, with confusion....I try not to look sad but inside my heart is shattered into a million pieces. Tuesday morning I'm up meeting with the doctors....I get the nasal tube out, get his liver checked cuz his eyes are a little yellow, I get a new PICC line put in his arms and his groin lines pulled out. He gets a liquid clear diet. He started physical therapy and occupational therapy. He is making great strides. He doesn't think so but he is. I am staying again because he asked me to. Butonce again I'm alone....he's here but what he needs is for me to be present.....but what I need is my husband to hold me, tell me he loves me and tells me it's all going to be ok. I can't wait for that day. That's the day I know my husband is back. Can't wait for that day when he mends my heart back together!!!

Hell

I don't think that I have ever been at a low point in my life. I thought that my son getting in trouble as a freshman was a low point, but no...that was only a minor pebble in the road. This is a freight train ride to hell! Wednesday started off as a good day. It was June 6th...National Running Day.. I had just signed up for the lottery for my first half marathon and made plans to run with my friends later that night. Then minutes later David started getting a fever. He decided to take a shower and lay down. I checked on him and quickly realized this was not a good thing. I started getting the little ones prepared and started tracking down Andrew because I knew this was going to be a long night. David and I head to the ER at MDA with a fever of 104. We get into the ER quickly and realize that David has a rapid heart rate. Then after they do an EKG he decides to throw up some blood. I start to freak out and tell them his patelets are low and we need to figure out what is going on. They then send us up to ICU. David seems stable but is breathing a little funny. Hes stable enough that I decide to go home to the kids. I get home at 1045 and put the kids to bed. Next morning the kids and i get here around 1045. The kids have to meet with a social worker before they can see David. I get them all checked in, they meet her and I bring them back. David is still burning up, breathing quickly...he just isn't doing well. I get the kids to the daycare and sit with David. He begins to talk crazy. I am terrified, but trying to keep calm. I get the doctor and he immediately starts getting things going...David begins oxygen but the nose oxygen isn't doing the trick. Th doctor begins to explain the stages of how they use oxygen. I am in for a long night. Kids go to my brother in laws cuz David has asked me to stay becase it is possible he is going to be put on a ventilator tonight. David is put on a PAP machine. He sleeps about 45 minutes with it and he is doing great...then he rips it off. All the alarms go off. They get him settled again. He sleeps another 45 minutes and again he rips it off. The night ICU doctor starts to talk to me about the ventilator....and I have to tell David. I sit by his bed and through tears tell him he is going to be have to put on the ventilator....he understands and in 20 minutes I am escorted out of his rooms. I am right outside his room. I lean up against the wall, I slide down to the floor and lose it. I have not broken down like this during this past 2 months.....I am on the floor rocking and crying. No one can fix this and no one but David can make me feel better....I'm in hell..I've just put my husband on a ventilator! OMG WHAT HAVE I DONE???? Welcome to my personal hell.

Why I started this.....I

Started writing this blog becaus people were asking me how I was getting through this. So I decided to write about all the things we go through .... Me, the kids, and how I do it all with David to get through. I is amazing that I am even able tow rite it all down. I don't write each and every detail but I am writing what is making the biggest impact on me and the kids and David. Tis is all cruel and harsh and raw... But I am not writing it because I am wanting people to feel sorry for me. I am writing this because i want people to know how we are doing. We have been blessed beyond belief with friends and family and the outpour of kindness that people have shown us. My friends at work made and sold t-shirts as a fundraiser. The shirts were to sold to the staff and students at my school, David's school, and anew school. They also sold JUST Pruitt bracelets and brought us dinners. It is amazing and we are so lucky. I didn't start this blog so that you all would think I need more help. Right now I am managing everything but the minute I need help I'm going to be calling all of you to help me. Promise!!!!

The flu hits .....

Everything is moving along. David's counts are great. He is feeling great. But for some reason Austin is not. W are at Andrew football game and Austin falls asleep. It is weird he NEVER naps. But today he is quiet and falls asleep. Then he wakes up and I realize he has a fever. I give him a Tylenol and try to get him to eat. In a few seconds hes up against the fence throwing up. This kid is sick. We leave the football game and I have David take me to a little doc in the box....the PA says he has a virus....then I explain that David is going thru chem and waiting for a bone marrow transplant and I want him tested for everything.....they test for strep...nothing...the test from flu....Confirmed...flu b. really? At the end of may. Ae you kidding me? This is crazy. Ustinov is too sick to ago to school and I dont have enough days to take Cabrera of him. So with 7 days to go Austin blows his perfect attendance and stays home for 2 days while david...the guy with cancer...the guy with no immune system takes care of them. Well, I get masks on both of them immediately...then first thing Monday mornings I shoot Fe (our nurse at mda) an email and ask what I can do.. She informs me that there is nothing we can do other than lots of hand washing and everyone wearing a mask and that she would see us in a few days at davids next appointment. Well needless to say we are so lucky and David does not get the fu. Austin gets better and is able to go back to school...all is well at the Pruitt house. Disaster averted....score one for me!!!!

Round 2 of chemo

May 24th was weird...... It was the day David was starting his second round of chemo. The realm of the whole thing is crazy...2 months ago we were running the Warrior Dash, one month ago we were starting round one and here we R starting round 2. Life is crazy and can change in a flash. So today we meet with Dr. Cortes. He asks us about the transplant situation and at that point we realize that's the leukemia doctor and the transplant doctor do not communicate at all. S David explains everything we know labour the status of the transplant. Once he does that then Dr. Cortes says that we have to start round 2.... Now the question is...inpatient or out patient. Secretly I am hoping for in patient. Even though it is hard to have David in the hospital it is easier in the sense that they handle the pain, the medication and any mess that many occur. But wonderful Dr. Cortes says we can do this out patient. Two bags will be given at the hospital and the longer bag can bar done at one and that I can disconnect it at home and he comes backs the next day. David agrees to this treatment. Although I am glad he is going to be coming home I am so scared about what I am going to be having to do. So we go to the ATC Unit where they start the first bag. I am sitting in the room when they hook up the first bag when it hits me....nausea ....aOMG!!! Why am I the one who is getting sick. The first bag takes 30 minutes and by the time it is through I'm in the bathroom sick. During the 90 minute wait and bag 2 which was 30 minutes, I spent the entire time running back and forth to the bathroom. Why this hit me I have no idea, but I am supsr sick! David finish the bag and the nurse comes in and hooks up the pump for him to take home. She shows me what I need to do with it. We start the trek home...and the nausea begins. Poor thing is not doing well. Im wondering how long of an evening is it going to be? .David has to go back on friday morning and Saturday. I'm glad it is memorial weekend, but I'm sad that we are spending the long weekend in amd out of the hospital. Thursday night david isn't going so great. Andrew took him to hospital on Friday so I could go to work. This is a big deal cuz it is Andrews first time to drive that far plus it's rush hour traffic and he's in my car. Andrew did great but was bored at the hospital. Not sure what he was expecting but..he said he just sat there and watch David sleep. Friday night was by far the worst night we have had. David got the hiccups and he just couldn't hold it anymore. He had a 45 minute session of throwing up. In my 15 years of teaching...my 17 years of parenting I have been around a lot of throw up....but NOTHING compares to chemo throw up. You can practically smell the radio active waste.... This was awful and there was nothing I could do to help David nor could I make home feel better. It was so hard to just sit there and only be able to give him a wash cloth. Once this was over I helped get him back to bed then cleaned up. Tomorrow we were going to watch andrew play football.SUMMER FOOTBALL...7 on 7 football. David scheduled his chemo for the afternoon so he could see Andrew play for a bit. saturday was a long days. David stayed for half of the games then left to go the get the last 3 rounds of chemo while the kids and I stayed to watch andrew. It is crazy how we are juggling sports, kids, chemo and md Anderson....it is madness that this is even in our schedule. I keep thinking that I am going to wake up from this crazy dream... But I just don't wake up this is just one of those long slow moving dreams that ends up being reality.

Meeting with the transplant doctor

May 22nd started like any other Tuesday the past few weeks. I decided that David would go to this appointment with his dad because it was only going to be an informative appointment. I went to work...it was the weirdest thing .... almost an out of body experience. I'm going through the motions while I have this unsettling nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. I watch the clock....it's 10:30 and that's his appointment time. I start texting him to see if he's at the office. It takes him 45 minutes to answer me. He was just sitting there in the waiting room. Then all the text messages start.... 1. No match yet 2. It will take 6-8 weeks before a transplant is possible. 3. Once transplant occurs I have to live within a 5 mile radius of MDA for 100 days non negotiable! What??? By the time I get all of this it's noon and my lunch time. I call David and he explains everything to me. My mind starts reeling.... That's the end of July beginning of August before transplant....that puts me into the new school year...and football season. Oh no...that means no football for David. I take all this news with such grace in the teachers lounge...I throw my phone on the table and my sweet friend Kelly gets everyone to leave me alone. The rest of the afternoon I'm walking through jello and just get through the day. Now I have to put a brave face on and face David when I walk in the door. Surprisingly he's in a good mood. He is hopeful. Obviously he has not put it together where all this will fall on the calendar. I've decided not to tell him now because we are going to a Be The Match donor registration. I've decided to register as a donor for Be Rhe Match. While we are driving David is explaining everything about what the doctor said. Then he starts to look at the calendar and he sees it....the reality of this hits and there are tears rolling down our faces. But we can't show how upset we are because we are going to his school where the donor registration is being held. So here I am stuffing my disappointment, frustration, and life altering situation. So I smile and talk and bury my face in my paperwork to register as a donor. When we finish we decide to go home and figure out how to tell Andrew..... The kids have gone to bed and Andrew comes in and says "what happened today?". We explain what the doctor said. We tell him the 100 days will be around August September October November. Funny thing it didn't register. So I say the months again and Andrew thinks...oh beginning of school. So I tell him again the months and then his face turns whirs.."oh, oh, football." David couldn't take it. He got up and he went upstairs and leaves Andrew and I downstairs. I explain how disappointed we are and there are tears in Andrews eyes. How is this fair? Why did my kid get this raw deal? Why Andrew? Of all kids, why mine? These are the questions that keep me running through my mind. But then my phone vibrates and there it is....the tweet...the tweet that has me in tears. My sweet 17 year old has just summed up what is important. "it's times like these that we can't let things get the best of us, we just have to over come them and get stronger."#JustPruitt And there it is...my smart and too old for his age kid making me feel better and showing that it's going to be ok! Thursday may 24 the doctor says round 2 begins and it can be done out patient.