10 months....

It has been 10 months since my husband passed away.  It is just amazing to me that time can be so cruel by how fast it moves yet be a gift at the same time.  I am very broken, but I am not the same sad broken girl I was 10 months ago.  I know something is happening...something is changing .... and it is time... that cruel gift of time.
I started reading "Second First" by Christina Ramussen.  I am actually in  a book study with her.  We read her book and she posts exercises for us to complete or she post things and we respond to her and one another.  In the two weeks that I have been apart of the book study, and the one week that I have been reading her book, I am finally admitting things about my grief!

Grief has been my best friend.  It has kept me locked up in my house.  It has let me put one foot in front of the other and carry on my normal routines.  It has kept me company.... until recently.... in September, something changed! I felt my self becoming resistent to staying home and hiding. I started doing a few things ...not a lot..just mostly with the kids.  I let them join football and cheer... it made me get out of the house.  Of course this is all I have done..but it is a huge step for me to step out from my grief.

In the past 10 months I think I have let my grief talk to me it has convinced me to hide.  But in September I started to face it.   I realized that I grieve the life that I had planned.  I grieve that I didn’t get to do all that I had wanted to do with David.  Our life together was cut short…but in reality it was as long as God had planned it to be.  David knew it..I just didn’t.  He told me that night before he passed away …he only wanted to be with me. He said, "next to you is where I want to be, it is home." 

Today I realized,  I am comfortable with my grief.  I am able to handle the days that are hard and the days that are stressful.  I miss his humor, his loudness..his snoring..omg did i just say that?  I can’t imagine that I just said that.  It is crazy to think that I miss his snoring …something that drove me nuts.

I think that most of my sadness is based now on the life I thought I was suppose to live.  I think that is what I am grieving more.  I miss my husband, but I know that death is part of God’s plan and that he is with me in my heart…it is the life and who I am to become now that he is gone.. I am no longer a wife..I am a widow..and a single mother… this is what I grieve.  

I want to be acknowledge that I lost that life…The life of Mrs. David Pruitt…. now I’m just Ann Pruitt - widow… it is so hallow... it feels so empty.  

Christina and her book are showing me that there is more... and I know that when the time is right, I will find it and figure it all out!