home again

So David is home this week. After being at the hospital for the last week. My life has been consumed with going to work, taking care of kids, getting kids where they need to me then taking care of david when I get home. I am so lucky that my friends have stepped up and have been sending food...I haven't had to cook at all in the past 3 weeks. It has been the biggest relief to just be able to warm something up in the microwave and give it to the kids. Every evening for the last three weeks I have had to flush the the lines on Davids PICC IV. I also have to hook up his antiviral meds and I've him all of his pills. I have a special pill box I use and we have set alarms on his phone to help me remember. After I unhook the antiviral medication, I flush all of the lines and heprine lock them and then I am done for the evening. Each night I sleep knowing what the following day is going to be like ....work, kids, taking care of David. Everyone keeps telling me to take care of myself, to eat, to keep running...but I am just too mentally drained to do any of the things that I normally do for myself. But this week I have a 10k that I ws training for nd I really want to be able to do this ND to feel normal again....so I go to my 10k aNd even though i want to quit...I keep that Just Pruitt attitude and I get through it. Now to get through this next week and hear what Dr. Cortes has to say........and there is that black cloud again..... Since this whole thing started 3 weeks ago I kind of went off the map from Facebook. I didn't feel like posting anything or doing anything that has to do withfAcebook. So instead I decide to post pics of David and I. He is my super hero because he is handeling all of this with such strength and grace that to me he is my very one man of steel. So I started calling him "my superman". Within days, it really stuck and everyone started calling David susperman and everyone started following the pictures. During this time is when people started giving me advice on how to take of myself, or offering to take the kids,or help out with David. I know I can't do all of this on my own and I know I need help, but who do I ask? We have Davids family here but they live an hour away anda they work and have lives of their own. They are already driving David to the hospital hat more can they help me with? No one can help me with Thea emotional part of this. No one can help me deal with the physical changes I see in my husband. I have decided that I will not show anyone how I'm feeling. I put on a brave face and just smile and fake it all. In one respect I am so glad I have work! I can go and take care of other peoples kids and not face what's going on at home.

a set back

We have just made it through our first week, our first weekend.... I am feeling good. I have a great schedule going and we can do this. We can get through this.....then because I got to comfortable too quick....set back hits.... FEVER. And not just a little 99.9 fever. No a big whopping 102.5 fever. Hot damn here we go back to MD Anderson ER. we arrive at the ER and they put us in a room and give David 2 Tylenol and leave us for hours.we are in there and see the doctor who tells us David hAs a neutropenia fever....ok. Fix it!!! We sit for hours and hours and hours..... They pump in all kinds of antibiotics into him. The fever won't come down. They are going to be admitting him but won't send him upstairs til he gets a platelet transfusion...he can't get a transfusion until he doesn't have a fever. We are going to be here a long time. It is Sunday's night. We left the house at 1:30 in the afternoon and it is now ten at night. The kids have been alone all day and I have ago go to work the next day. I call my in laws and ask some one to come and sit with david in the ER and with him til he gets a room. I finally get home around 1130 and David gets a room about the same time. It has a been a long day and it is going to be a long week. Tips is a busy week for the kids and I feel awful because david didn't have clothes and I couldn't get bck out to the hospital til Wednesday..... So my mother in law did Tuesday. The kids and I went on Wednesday and took David his a clothes. David and I have dinner together on Thursday night and his brother brought holm home on Friday. Tat afternoon...he got home around 3:00. I had to send the kids home without me becase I had to stay at work for a staff retreat. David gets home and ends up having a bunch of visitors, along with the kids...it ended up being a total of 9 people in my house wanting to hang out with david cuz he is home from the hospital. Althoughitotally appreciate how much everyone wa excited to see him... I was fuming at work. He did not need to have all of that going on after he'd been in he hospital fighting an infection after a week. I arrive at home and say good bye to the last three people and come intohelpdaivd get situations, I realize that he has a fever AGAIN. I give David some Tylenol and tell him if it doesn't work in an hour I'm taking him back o the ER. he falls asleep and I collapses on th efloor sobbing and before I now tilt I have these strong arms wrapped around me. They are acomforting me and telling me that it is going to be ok. It takes me a minute to register....this is my 17 year old comforting me. Making me feel better trying to make me feel safe. Once this registers I pull it together. I will not fall apart in front of my kids. I get it together and go to check on daid and ahis fever is coming down....I breathe a sigh of relief and go on with my Sunday evening. Even though I do all my normal Sunday night stuff..in the back of my head I can't help but think about the cards I've been dealt. I know that I am not the one with poison running through my boast. I am not the one who looks pale. I'm not the one who is nauseous all the time. I'm not the one who has to go to the hospital evey other day. I am not the one who has been told they cant go to work. I'm just the spouse, I'm just the care girder. I'm the one who gets all the calls. I'm the one who has make share that things at home are running smooth. I'm the one who has to keep the kids going. I'm the glue that is keeping this shit together. Omg....too much. I'm on over load. I am going to need to find a way to get through this.

first week home

The first week proved to be eventful. I have a driving scheduled made with aloof the family so that I can go to work and David can stilla getto MD Andersoevery other day. He has to go to have his counts checked. If they are low he gets a transfusion. During this week he gets platelets almost every time as well as blood. When he gets home on these days he is wiped out. Boy, so am I. I can't believe that I am dosing all f this Taft Holme with davd and during the day I am dealing with 38 third graders and teaching them and helping them get ready for other STAAR state test plus trying to be a mom to 3 kids who are starting to show the signs that this is affecting them. I am Starting to feel like I am filingatllflthesethings. Ihavetoomanyballsl that I am juggling and something is falling and something is failing and the pieces are all falling around me. But, if you see me at work, or at the store or at home..you would never now anything was aging on. How do I now that? Everyone would ask me...." Howard you holding up so well? We would never know if we hadn't been told.". I take this as a complement because I have lays a been toll to leave a your problems at the door when you walk ainto work....OMG I am actually doing that! Score one for me!! This week was pretty uneventful. We just tried adjusting to having David home and an getting s the to the medicine schedule and making sure the kids wee clean at all times. A task in and of itself!!!! We survived and managed to make it though the week!! Yea Plpruitt family!

first week in hospital

David's chemo is a 3 bad series. H gets one bag at4am and then waits an hour and a half. The second bag is another 30 min bag then he waits again for an hour and a half. The third bag is 2 hours of chemo then he is done for the day. Afte rthe chemo then they decide if he needs platelets r blood and they give him a transfusion. All the while he has a 24 hour anti nausea medicine dripping in his PICC IV. While David is going through all of this I am at work. I am trying to get through the day all the while texting David to see how he is. In the meantime my mother in law has been at my house cleaning and getting my house readya for when david comes homes. When work is over I take all 3 kids up to the hospital so that they can see David becaue I am not sure what the rest of the week will hold for me. W visit with him and he is excited to see the kids. We visit for a few hours and athen I walk David back to his room while I leave all three kids downstairs. Tonight it is so hard to have the kids there visiting and asking questions about the machine and trying to help them understand what is going on. We drive home in almost silence while they all process what is going on. I get everyone in bed. I put on a Big Bang Theory and I fall asleep....I'm asleep but its not restful..it feels like a stateaof suspension. I wake up exhausted and not ready to face the day. The kids and I go to school and we repeat this schedule all week. I group to the hospital each night to see david. And each night I see my strong husband become weaker, sick, paler and this becomes more and more real! How will we get through this? How am I going to handle all this when I can't even look at the bandage on his arm? Friday we done same thing again and Saturday I head up in the afternoon then Sundays David comes home. I m so glad to have him home. But with him h e begins all my responsibilities of the caregiver. Ihad to attend a clas to change the caps and bandage on his PICC IV. I have to administer all of his meds and make sure that there aren't too many goes around him.....hmmmmm I have kids and I'm an elementary teacher. How am i going to do this?

checking in - first day of chemo

We woke up the kids a little late this morning so that they could eat breakfast with David. It was hard to sit around and act like nothing was going on. Although they are too little to understand the fullness of what is going on, the sense something is happening. When they were ready a for school I told them to tell daddy good bye because they wouldn't see him for a few days. They hugged him and told him they loved him and they skipped out the door as David sat down to sob that he was sayi g good bye to the kids. I take the, to school and sign them I late and face a few brave soles who are strong enough to ask what the day holds for David. Funny thing is that no one askaed me what my day held....it was almost like this day was only about David it wasnt about anyone else. I return to the house to a more composed David who tells me that while I was gone MD Anderson called and I'd we didn't have to be there til after 1:00. So we decided to do something normal....we decided to folds and put away 3 weeks of laundry that had a been sitting in baskets because we had been too busy to do it. In the meantime...my phone was blowing up with text messages wondering if we had checked in and if he chemo had started. It was hard not to be upset that that was all anyone wanted. We packed David's stuff, I made sure the kids had someone that was going to meet them when they got home and that all of my 9 year old baseball uniform was out and already a for his game that a night. W arrived at MD Anderson around 1:30 and find that Davids sister has decided to sit with us awhile because she was in he neighborhood. We couldn't just do this alone.... So she stayed with us for an hour or so. We end up waiting until 730 pm. W get into the room and the nurse is ready a to start the chemo...but wait David doesn't have a port. The nurse is confused by this..she said it should have been done before. But we were told that everything would be done once he gets into his room. Miscommunication #1... The first of many to come. So I decide to help David get situated in his room. Then he sees the time...and tells me I havea to leave because I have to try and make some of the 9 year olds baseball game and I still have a 45 - 55 minute drive home. So I say goodbye to my husband who is going to go through all this stuff alone. I walk through the hall to the elevators and tears start to roll down my cheeks. I step into the elevator and ate doors close. I am in there alone traveling down 11 floors and I collapse on the floor and sob all 11 floors down. I stand upand a quietly walk through the hospital to m car with tears falling down my face and people looking at me knowing that I am going through something....I get sympathetic smiles or sympathetic glances. I get in my car and drive awa with a MD Anderson in the rear view mirror while I cry all the way home. This has just gotten real. And the best part is tomorrow I will be at work while my husband is going through chemo. What is going one? How am I going to do this? Only time will tell. I get to the game in time to see my sons last bat and play in the outfield. The evening is complete and now I am home and call David. After awhile he tells me that they have put in his PICC IV and it took 45 minutes to do it and it was painful. I'm silently crying because I don't want him to hear how upset I am. Now I'm off to sleep....will I be able to sleep? While I'm at home asleep... David started his chemo at 4am.

telling the kids

We come home from MD Anderson to our home.  The kids are here waiting for us.  Our oldest knows that something is not right.  We sit everyone down.  I have the 9 year old and 6 year old in my lap and the 17 year old is sitting across from me.  I explain to them that the doctors have figured out what is wrong.  I remind them about the biopsy David had a week ago and explain that they were looking at the stuff inside the bones.  My 9 year old asks "you mean the meat inside the bones?"  Yes, exactly!  I go on to explain that there are some bad things in there that are making Daddy sick.  The doctors have some very strong medicine they are going to give Daddy but he has to go to the hospital to get it and that he will be there for 5 or 6 days.  My sweet girl starts to cry and runs to her daddy.  My 9 year old hugs me and my 17 year old sits there with a brave face with a single tear running down his face.

All I can think to my self is why??? why are my children the ones who have to go through this?? why?? Why ....that is something I will never understand!

I walk the little ones up to bed and sit with them for a little bit.  My 9 year old asks if his daddy is going to die from cancer.  Then he starts to cry.  I try to explain that leukeima is cancer, but it is a cancer that people live from and can be cured from.  It seems to help them a little...at least to get them to sleep.

I then go down to my 17 year old and tell him about all the things I am going to need from him.  This is a cruel fate for a 17 year old who is finishing his junior year.  To be told that your dad has cancer and now you are going to have to pick up the slack by helping with your younger brother and sister and help your mom deal with all of this...it is more than any 17 year old should have to deal with.

David and I try to get a good nights sleep.  We know that tomorrow is going to be a hard day.  We decide to let the kids sleep late so he can spend some time with them in the morning and that they will go to school late, before we head to the hospital.

the verdict

April 15 was suppose to be about me...it was a milestone birthday...the big 40. The weekend was planned and Luckys Pub was in my future along with a bunch of Vegas bombs.... But the news we got 2 weeks before clouded the entire thing and still weighs on us in the back of our minds.  Sunday is about me and the kids shower me with love and gifts. But all I can think about is Monday at the dr.

April 16 will always be bleak for me. It's the day we find out David has MDS (myodyspasia syndrome)....a form of leukemia ...a form if cancer .  CANCER!!!  REALLY??  Tears fall down my face as the doctor is telling us. The understanding "fellow" stands up and goes to get a box of kleenex...really they don't just keep those handy in these rooms....these rooms where they give bad news to all the time???  Really??  I just turned 40 and my husband has cancer? What am I going to tell the kids?  How am I going to explain all of this that the doctor is telling us??  I write frantically in my little notebook, not looking up, not wanting to look at David or the doctor because I know I am going to break down even more.  The doctor continues by telling us that David was starting intensive chemo the next day. Black cloud, hurricane force winds..walls falling down around me...life changer. Hello 40!!  Hello Hell!
The doctor leaves us...in this room of bad news...in this hell he has just handed me.  David stands up and walks over to me and hugs me and says "it's OK.  I'm gonna be OK.  I can handle anything they give me."  Now I'm crying....sobbing....
Now it is time to call people.  David asks me to call everyone.  Who to call first....
His mom.............

The next 30 minutes go as predicted...lots of calls, lots of questions and me trying to hold it together for everyone else while I explain to them what is going on.

Now it's time to go home and tell the kids.........

the beginning

April 8th was suppose to be a regular day...instead it turned upside down. David's primary care physician said David needed to see an oncologist because his counts were low. So off we go....oncologist bound. The oncologist tells if that we have to go to md anderson immediately...
So, first I have things to take care of.  My oldest was getting his wisdom teeth out.  Calls were made, grandparents taking him to get his teeth out, sister in law getting kids off the bus, mother in law going to hospital with me.
Once we got to md anderson emergency room we were amazed at how rude the staff was.  The ER doctor's and nurses could not understand why this healthy man was being sent in with the counts the way there were.  We tried to explain that we were only doing what the oncologist had asked us to do.  We gave them David's history....15 years ago he had sever apalstic anemia and has been in remission fro 12 years.  We are only listening to the oncologist!!  Finally after 17 vials of blood drawn, 8 hours of waiting for his blood to be typed.  David was finally given a platelete transfusion and blood transfusion and was sent home for Easter weekend and told to come back Monday to see his dr ...dr Cortes.
We return thst Monday only to be told they have no idea what is going in...they draw blood....22  vials and do a bone marrow biopsy and ask us to come back in a week! Really!????
We try to live out lives but always the black cloud in the background is there.....is David's aplastic anemia back??? What will they do this time????

What's the deal?

No one ever asks about the care giver. People only wanna know how the cancer patient is, how they are feeling, how the cancer has effected their life....no one ever asks about the care giver or how the cancer has changed the care givers life.
I suppose that cancer is all about the patient.  But really it is not.  It is about how it affects the lives of everyone who is close to the person who has cancer.  Well, this is how I'm getting through it. 
Follow me through my journey as a caregiver to my husband!!!