10 months....

It has been 10 months since my husband passed away.  It is just amazing to me that time can be so cruel by how fast it moves yet be a gift at the same time.  I am very broken, but I am not the same sad broken girl I was 10 months ago.  I know something is happening...something is changing .... and it is time... that cruel gift of time.
I started reading "Second First" by Christina Ramussen.  I am actually in  a book study with her.  We read her book and she posts exercises for us to complete or she post things and we respond to her and one another.  In the two weeks that I have been apart of the book study, and the one week that I have been reading her book, I am finally admitting things about my grief!

Grief has been my best friend.  It has kept me locked up in my house.  It has let me put one foot in front of the other and carry on my normal routines.  It has kept me company.... until recently.... in September, something changed! I felt my self becoming resistent to staying home and hiding. I started doing a few things ...not a lot..just mostly with the kids.  I let them join football and cheer... it made me get out of the house.  Of course this is all I have done..but it is a huge step for me to step out from my grief.

In the past 10 months I think I have let my grief talk to me it has convinced me to hide.  But in September I started to face it.   I realized that I grieve the life that I had planned.  I grieve that I didn’t get to do all that I had wanted to do with David.  Our life together was cut short…but in reality it was as long as God had planned it to be.  David knew it..I just didn’t.  He told me that night before he passed away …he only wanted to be with me. He said, "next to you is where I want to be, it is home." 

Today I realized,  I am comfortable with my grief.  I am able to handle the days that are hard and the days that are stressful.  I miss his humor, his loudness..his snoring..omg did i just say that?  I can’t imagine that I just said that.  It is crazy to think that I miss his snoring …something that drove me nuts.

I think that most of my sadness is based now on the life I thought I was suppose to live.  I think that is what I am grieving more.  I miss my husband, but I know that death is part of God’s plan and that he is with me in my heart…it is the life and who I am to become now that he is gone.. I am no longer a wife..I am a widow..and a single mother… this is what I grieve.  

I want to be acknowledge that I lost that life…The life of Mrs. David Pruitt…. now I’m just Ann Pruitt - widow… it is so hallow... it feels so empty.  

Christina and her book are showing me that there is more... and I know that when the time is right, I will find it and figure it all out!

so much has happened...so much has changed

So much has happened in the last 9 months since I last posted on this blog.
David had his transplant on August 22nd.  It was a very exciting day but anti-clamatic at the same time.  The first bag was done in like 25 minutes.  Then we had to wait for 4 hours before he could have the second bag.  David slept through the second bag.  From there is was a wait and see kind of time.  David started getting headaches which was partly due to the anti-rejection meds.  But from there he sort of diminished.  He had all sorts of complications and was in and out of ICU and on and off of the ventilator.  Finally after being at MD Anderson for 89 days, he was released to live in the apartment for the rest of his 100 days.  Time flew and before we knew it, it was Nov. 30th...the 100th day.  It was the day we had planned and had been waiting for.  I had the biggest surprise ever for David.  I bought him his dream car..I bought him a fully loaded 2013 Jeep Wrangler.  I had it sitting in the driveway with balloons and we had the neighborhood lined with signs...it was an AMAZING day!  We were so excited to have him home finally. 
Now that he was home, the kids had to readjust to having their dad home full time.  David started getting stronger, but still did not have an appetite.  He was so fragile.  We had to be so careful.  He started driving himself to MD Anderson and he so enjoyed driving his jeep.  We had an amazing Christmas.  It was so good to be together the 5 of us. 
In January David slowly began to return to work.  He attended the wrestling tournament and was so excited to see his students and be back doing the things he loved.  On January 8th he returned to work to see his co-workers and begin the second semester.  On the 9th he met his students and made it through the day.  That night he talked about how great his classes were and how excited he was to be back at school and he was looking forward to this semester. 
That night he said he was so tired.  He said he just wanted to lay in bed next to me, his favorite place to be. The next morning I found David without a heartbeat.  I called 911, Andrew picked David up out of bed and put him on the floor so I could perform CPR.  Andrew and I were there when EMS came in.  The little ones slept through all of it.  I quickly got dressed to go in the ambulance, but they would not allow me to go with David.  I should have known then, what that meant.  Later I realized when the ambulance left the neighborhood that it left without the lights or sirens on.
When I got to the hospital, the tried to talk and talk...I just said "tell me" and they did...he never made it to the hospital.  As I sat there crying and hugging my husband, my dear friend appeared at the doorway for me.  My friend Kelly was the first to arrive to comfort me, then my friend Jen and then Kyla.  These three women dropped everything to come and support me in my darkest hour.
Now, to tell the kids........

My Strength

Where does our strength come from? How is one person stronger than the other? How does one persons strength show and another's doesn't?
Throughout the past four or five months people have been telling me how strong I am. Or they ask me how I can be so strong. I had no idea where it came from nor do I feel strong. It is weird...I just have this over coming feeling that all is ok and i have a peace about the whole thing. I have never understood it and I just figured that it was just the way I was made. That I am good under pressure and able to handle the hard stuff.
Well, today at church it became clear to me. The guest pastor was telling us a story about one of his parishioners .....then it was like he was talking to me.... "Through the darkest moments, the peace and strength you feel is God there with you." ..... It hit me like lightening..this entire time I have had Him with me.
Months ago, I met a little boy, Jackson Godwin. A sweet boy who was here at MDA getting treatment. We exchanged bracelets..I gave him my Just Pruitt bracelet and he gave me his "God is big enough.". I have worn that bracelet everyday...I have gained my strength knowing that this sweet 8 year old gave me his bracelets. I've been praying for him and David....and now I got it re-affirmed that He is with me. Some how it made it easier today. It just explained how I've been able to get through all of this, how I have a calm inner peace about this entire thing.
He is with me and I trust Him!!

It's almost here

It's almost here...transplant time is almost here. As it approaches I am having difficulty....not with the situation, not with the transplant, not with trying to juggle everything.... But I'm having difficulty knowing that I can't be there to help David through all that he needs. When I'm with the kids or at work he will be at the hospital either alone or with his family. And as lucky as we are to have them to sit with him while I have to work......it's not the same.
Something else that has been hard...is that most people look at me like they feel sorry for me. They don't know what to say so they smile with this look in their eyes.
I don't know why this has happened to us. I don't understand it. But I know there is a plan . I trust that this is the right place and right time for things no matter how hard. I wish every one could find thy peace with our situation. I can't fix how everyone feels, nor will I. But I have to help the kids, David and myself.... That is my priority. I can't help you through your journey. I can't help you understand.
My journey and path through this are different than yours. We all handle things differently. Somedays I'm going to be sad or angry or short....but this is my journey...my way of dealing with this. You are not in my shoes nor are you walking in my shoes so you don't know how I feel or what I'm going through. Everyone's situation is different . No two situations are the same....we can not compare them. We can only get through the day one day at a time.
So with all that being said..... If I am short or don't feel like talking.... Don't take it personally...don't think I'm callous...know I am getting through the day the best that I can. If I don't want to spend time with you....know I just need some space. Nothing over the next few months is about anyone but David, the kids and me.

The look of pity

A few weeks ago at MD Anderson I saw a mom and her daughter walking. Her little girl was about 5. They were walking, talking smiling and the little girl was pushing her pole of meds on wheels. I smiled at the little girl, then with tears and a smile I looked at the mom. The mom smiled but it was not a kind warming smile but a smile of don't look at me that way. I didn't understand that smile. I was confused and had no idea what i had done. So i started to watch people and how they respond and how they look at one another.
When I look in the mirror I see the same person I was 3 1/2 months ago. When I look at my children, I see the same kids, but just a bit taller. When I look at my husband, I see the same person I have known for the last 13 years, only thinner and weaker...but still the same.
But when you look at us, what do you see? Do you see us the way you did 6 months ago, a year ago? Ten years ago? Or are you looking at us with pity and despair? Are you looking at us with sorrow in your eyes? With the look of "I don't know what to say"?
Since I have been home for the summer I have realized how many people treat us different because of David's cancer. People have come out of the wood work....offers of sincere help and concern from all corners of the world have come together to help us. It has truly been a blessing. But it's the look in people's eyes....I don't think you realize it's there...it's the look of pity, the gasp in your breath, the "awww" your kids, the tears in your eyes when you talk to us...that's what is hard. That is harder then dealing with the cancer. I have come to realize this look when people haven't seen David or I in a long time. It's the immediate reaction when they see him for the first time.
After my encounter with this mom, I have tried very hard to be sincere with my smile at MD Anderson. I am sure that they are feeling the same things that I am. We don't want your pity....we want you to be sincere. Yes, cancer is hard, its devastating, its awful...it just sucks. But deep down, we are just a family, a family trying to get through the day. A family who is living as normal as we can. A family who is going to get through this.
So, if you don't know what to say, just say "hi". You don't have to ask how we are or how David feels...that gets old...a simple "hi, I've been thinking about you" can go a longer way than the look of pity!

Lonely

Life as a caregiver is very lonely. I have friends and family and the kids...I have an awesome support system, but the lonely part is the time I miss with my husband. Those quiet moments, those late night conversations, the silly moments in the car when I'm singing, the times he tries to talk to me when I'm blow drying my hair....all those things are gone. There are no quiet moments, no small little conversations. All his energy is consumed by just getting through the day. There is hardly anything left at the end of the day.
I've tried filling this void by talking to my family and friends on the phone, but it's just not the same. Something is missing....it's a void that only he can fill. It's a void I see missing in him as well. Cancer has really robbed us of so many things...I can't wait to get everything back once we get through all of this!

2012 Be The One Run - Houston: ann pruitt - Be the One Run

The kids and I are participating in a 5K run (kids are walking) to help support the Be The Match organization. This is our little part that we have decided to do as a family to show our support as David fights his battle with MDS.

We signed up to participate in their 2012 Be The One Run which helps raise funds to support people with blood cancers like leukemia and lymphoma and other life-threatening diseases. Be The Match focuses on giving patients their best hope for a cure – a marrow transplant.

Make your donation today by visiting my Be The One Run fundraising page. With your gift, more prospective donors will be added to the Be The Match Registry, transplant research will continue to advance, and more lives will be saved.

Thank you for your support!
Ann, Andrew, Austin and Avery


2012 Be The One Run - Houston: ann pruitt - Be the One Run