The look of pity

A few weeks ago at MD Anderson I saw a mom and her daughter walking. Her little girl was about 5. They were walking, talking smiling and the little girl was pushing her pole of meds on wheels. I smiled at the little girl, then with tears and a smile I looked at the mom. The mom smiled but it was not a kind warming smile but a smile of don't look at me that way. I didn't understand that smile. I was confused and had no idea what i had done. So i started to watch people and how they respond and how they look at one another.
When I look in the mirror I see the same person I was 3 1/2 months ago. When I look at my children, I see the same kids, but just a bit taller. When I look at my husband, I see the same person I have known for the last 13 years, only thinner and weaker...but still the same.
But when you look at us, what do you see? Do you see us the way you did 6 months ago, a year ago? Ten years ago? Or are you looking at us with pity and despair? Are you looking at us with sorrow in your eyes? With the look of "I don't know what to say"?
Since I have been home for the summer I have realized how many people treat us different because of David's cancer. People have come out of the wood work....offers of sincere help and concern from all corners of the world have come together to help us. It has truly been a blessing. But it's the look in people's eyes....I don't think you realize it's there...it's the look of pity, the gasp in your breath, the "awww" your kids, the tears in your eyes when you talk to us...that's what is hard. That is harder then dealing with the cancer. I have come to realize this look when people haven't seen David or I in a long time. It's the immediate reaction when they see him for the first time.
After my encounter with this mom, I have tried very hard to be sincere with my smile at MD Anderson. I am sure that they are feeling the same things that I am. We don't want your pity....we want you to be sincere. Yes, cancer is hard, its devastating, its awful...it just sucks. But deep down, we are just a family, a family trying to get through the day. A family who is living as normal as we can. A family who is going to get through this.
So, if you don't know what to say, just say "hi". You don't have to ask how we are or how David feels...that gets old...a simple "hi, I've been thinking about you" can go a longer way than the look of pity!