The look of pity

A few weeks ago at MD Anderson I saw a mom and her daughter walking. Her little girl was about 5. They were walking, talking smiling and the little girl was pushing her pole of meds on wheels. I smiled at the little girl, then with tears and a smile I looked at the mom. The mom smiled but it was not a kind warming smile but a smile of don't look at me that way. I didn't understand that smile. I was confused and had no idea what i had done. So i started to watch people and how they respond and how they look at one another.
When I look in the mirror I see the same person I was 3 1/2 months ago. When I look at my children, I see the same kids, but just a bit taller. When I look at my husband, I see the same person I have known for the last 13 years, only thinner and weaker...but still the same.
But when you look at us, what do you see? Do you see us the way you did 6 months ago, a year ago? Ten years ago? Or are you looking at us with pity and despair? Are you looking at us with sorrow in your eyes? With the look of "I don't know what to say"?
Since I have been home for the summer I have realized how many people treat us different because of David's cancer. People have come out of the wood work....offers of sincere help and concern from all corners of the world have come together to help us. It has truly been a blessing. But it's the look in people's eyes....I don't think you realize it's there...it's the look of pity, the gasp in your breath, the "awww" your kids, the tears in your eyes when you talk to us...that's what is hard. That is harder then dealing with the cancer. I have come to realize this look when people haven't seen David or I in a long time. It's the immediate reaction when they see him for the first time.
After my encounter with this mom, I have tried very hard to be sincere with my smile at MD Anderson. I am sure that they are feeling the same things that I am. We don't want your pity....we want you to be sincere. Yes, cancer is hard, its devastating, its awful...it just sucks. But deep down, we are just a family, a family trying to get through the day. A family who is living as normal as we can. A family who is going to get through this.
So, if you don't know what to say, just say "hi". You don't have to ask how we are or how David feels...that gets old...a simple "hi, I've been thinking about you" can go a longer way than the look of pity!

Lonely

Life as a caregiver is very lonely. I have friends and family and the kids...I have an awesome support system, but the lonely part is the time I miss with my husband. Those quiet moments, those late night conversations, the silly moments in the car when I'm singing, the times he tries to talk to me when I'm blow drying my hair....all those things are gone. There are no quiet moments, no small little conversations. All his energy is consumed by just getting through the day. There is hardly anything left at the end of the day.
I've tried filling this void by talking to my family and friends on the phone, but it's just not the same. Something is missing....it's a void that only he can fill. It's a void I see missing in him as well. Cancer has really robbed us of so many things...I can't wait to get everything back once we get through all of this!

2012 Be The One Run - Houston: ann pruitt - Be the One Run

The kids and I are participating in a 5K run (kids are walking) to help support the Be The Match organization. This is our little part that we have decided to do as a family to show our support as David fights his battle with MDS.

We signed up to participate in their 2012 Be The One Run which helps raise funds to support people with blood cancers like leukemia and lymphoma and other life-threatening diseases. Be The Match focuses on giving patients their best hope for a cure – a marrow transplant.

Make your donation today by visiting my Be The One Run fundraising page. With your gift, more prospective donors will be added to the Be The Match Registry, transplant research will continue to advance, and more lives will be saved.

Thank you for your support!
Ann, Andrew, Austin and Avery


2012 Be The One Run - Houston: ann pruitt - Be the One Run

Guilt...

Recently ..via twitter...I was given an article from cancer wise...an account affiliated with MDA. They attached the blog of another caregiver and the feelings of guilt. Before I read this I didn't know exactly what I was feeling. I thought it was anger, resentment, jealousy, or bitterness...or I don't know actually how to describe what I was feeling. But I labeled it as all of those things I mentioned. But after reading that blog I realize it is guilt. I feel guilty. Everyone tells me to take care of myself. Do things for myself. Eat. Relax. Rest. Go do things with friends. Do things with the kids. All of these things are important...don't get me wrong. But the guilt I feel is incredible. I feel guilty if I do something for me. I feel guilty if I eat because my husband can't. I feel guilty if I relax because he's uncomfortable. I feel guilty to rest because he is restless. I feel guilty to be with my friends because I'm not with him. I feel guilty doing things by myself with the kids because we can't do them as a family. I feel guilty leaving him at the hospital alone becaue he can't go home. I feel guilty that I can't be at every appointment because he has to be.I have found that I can take a few minutes to be alone without the guilt. I can go for a short run. I can get a quick pedicure...but at the 45 minute mark I start to get nervous. I have been able to ncome to the cafeteria at mda to eat alone but I'm only good for about 30-45 minutes. I can only do what I am comfortable with. No one can force me to take a break. No one can force me not to bring my husband to the doctor. I just wish that everyone would just understand that I am doing what I can. Know that I am taking care of myself but that I feel I need to do this. I feel like I am the one who has to do this. What I don't know is how I'm going to handle the guilt of going back to work when he can't. Or the guilt of not being able to take care of him during the transplant time...the days iafter the hospital. That's the guilt I have to start working on!!!
I know there is a reason, a path that I'm suppose to be on. The reasons may never be clear and I may never understand....but I have faith it will all work out. Will it be easy NO....David and I, well we don't do anything easy! But we will get through!!!
#justpruitt

Hanging out at md anderson

For the past month I have been hanging out at md anderson. It is amazing the amount of things that you see. As a people watcher I am starting to recognize people. Or I should say cancer patients...leukemia cancer patients that we see 3 to 4 times a week. It is amazing to see the transformation that has taken place. It is not only the transformation I see in my husband, but the transformation that I see in other people. Most of the people that i sit next to in the waiting room are over the age of 65. David and I are some of the youngest people in the room. (thank God that I am not in the Childrens section!!!) I have come to this conclusion during this process.....Cancer does not discriminate....it is an equal opportunist. It hits all races, all socioeconomical backgrounds, all ages, both male and female and it rips the lives apart of everyone it touches. There are not many things in our society today that we can say doesn't discriminate 100%..... But cancer.... Cancer is non discriminatory! And it sucks!!!!

Transplant news

Today was the day I have been waiting weeks for...to meet and talk to the transplant doctor. I've been waiting to hear those words...perfect match". But today...was not that day. Today instead I heard "potential match" A match that can only be 9 out of 10 as a match. It's the best they can do. So, the sample arrived yesterday..now the doctor will screen it...this will take about a week to scan. If she likes what she sees then she will contact the donor and we move forward. If the sample does not match then she will no longer look at stem cell as an option. Instead she will start looking at cord blood donation. This is the next step. Due to something in David's DNA it has been hard for them to find a "perfect match". They are surprised because it is usually easy for a caucasian white male to find a donor..... So while they aree scanning the sample they are actively looking for a cord donor as well. So BEST case scenario is that we could be going to transplant in 6 weeks. This is all great news, but disappointing to me at the same time. Its hard to hear that you will to have a perfect match. It is hard to imagine that we might have to do a third round of chemo....a "baby" dose she described it as. This all came as a huge disappointment to me. Yes, I should be celebrating the small victories.... But today all I heard was, that she is working on it. Its hard to celebrate when she herself doesn't know. I just want to scream. I just want to rewind time. I just want to understand why us. I want to know how it was decided that we go through this. I know there's a plan and that we may never know the reasons.....but my mind wanders.... Did I do something? Am I being punished? Did I not love him enough before all of this? Did I not cherish our time together? Did I put the kids before him too much?? Because I haven't taken care of my kids in 4 weeks... Someday I will understand...someday I will look back and a realize that this was a little bump in the road. Someday it will be behind us...but right now....I'm a little angry. Right now I'm jealous of the vacations everyone is taking. Right now I'm missing summer time with my kids. There is my pitty party for the day.