Transplant news

Today was the day I have been waiting weeks for...to meet and talk to the transplant doctor. I've been waiting to hear those words...perfect match". But today...was not that day. Today instead I heard "potential match" A match that can only be 9 out of 10 as a match. It's the best they can do. So, the sample arrived yesterday..now the doctor will screen it...this will take about a week to scan. If she likes what she sees then she will contact the donor and we move forward. If the sample does not match then she will no longer look at stem cell as an option. Instead she will start looking at cord blood donation. This is the next step. Due to something in David's DNA it has been hard for them to find a "perfect match". They are surprised because it is usually easy for a caucasian white male to find a donor..... So while they aree scanning the sample they are actively looking for a cord donor as well. So BEST case scenario is that we could be going to transplant in 6 weeks. This is all great news, but disappointing to me at the same time. Its hard to hear that you will to have a perfect match. It is hard to imagine that we might have to do a third round of chemo....a "baby" dose she described it as. This all came as a huge disappointment to me. Yes, I should be celebrating the small victories.... But today all I heard was, that she is working on it. Its hard to celebrate when she herself doesn't know. I just want to scream. I just want to rewind time. I just want to understand why us. I want to know how it was decided that we go through this. I know there's a plan and that we may never know the reasons.....but my mind wanders.... Did I do something? Am I being punished? Did I not love him enough before all of this? Did I not cherish our time together? Did I put the kids before him too much?? Because I haven't taken care of my kids in 4 weeks... Someday I will understand...someday I will look back and a realize that this was a little bump in the road. Someday it will be behind us...but right now....I'm a little angry. Right now I'm jealous of the vacations everyone is taking. Right now I'm missing summer time with my kids. There is my pitty party for the day.