Guilt...

Recently ..via twitter...I was given an article from cancer wise...an account affiliated with MDA. They attached the blog of another caregiver and the feelings of guilt. Before I read this I didn't know exactly what I was feeling. I thought it was anger, resentment, jealousy, or bitterness...or I don't know actually how to describe what I was feeling. But I labeled it as all of those things I mentioned. But after reading that blog I realize it is guilt. I feel guilty. Everyone tells me to take care of myself. Do things for myself. Eat. Relax. Rest. Go do things with friends. Do things with the kids. All of these things are important...don't get me wrong. But the guilt I feel is incredible. I feel guilty if I do something for me. I feel guilty if I eat because my husband can't. I feel guilty if I relax because he's uncomfortable. I feel guilty to rest because he is restless. I feel guilty to be with my friends because I'm not with him. I feel guilty doing things by myself with the kids because we can't do them as a family. I feel guilty leaving him at the hospital alone becaue he can't go home. I feel guilty that I can't be at every appointment because he has to be.I have found that I can take a few minutes to be alone without the guilt. I can go for a short run. I can get a quick pedicure...but at the 45 minute mark I start to get nervous. I have been able to ncome to the cafeteria at mda to eat alone but I'm only good for about 30-45 minutes. I can only do what I am comfortable with. No one can force me to take a break. No one can force me not to bring my husband to the doctor. I just wish that everyone would just understand that I am doing what I can. Know that I am taking care of myself but that I feel I need to do this. I feel like I am the one who has to do this. What I don't know is how I'm going to handle the guilt of going back to work when he can't. Or the guilt of not being able to take care of him during the transplant time...the days iafter the hospital. That's the guilt I have to start working on!!!
I know there is a reason, a path that I'm suppose to be on. The reasons may never be clear and I may never understand....but I have faith it will all work out. Will it be easy NO....David and I, well we don't do anything easy! But we will get through!!!
#justpruitt