Hell

I don't think that I have ever been at a low point in my life. I thought that my son getting in trouble as a freshman was a low point, but no...that was only a minor pebble in the road. This is a freight train ride to hell! Wednesday started off as a good day. It was June 6th...National Running Day.. I had just signed up for the lottery for my first half marathon and made plans to run with my friends later that night. Then minutes later David started getting a fever. He decided to take a shower and lay down. I checked on him and quickly realized this was not a good thing. I started getting the little ones prepared and started tracking down Andrew because I knew this was going to be a long night. David and I head to the ER at MDA with a fever of 104. We get into the ER quickly and realize that David has a rapid heart rate. Then after they do an EKG he decides to throw up some blood. I start to freak out and tell them his patelets are low and we need to figure out what is going on. They then send us up to ICU. David seems stable but is breathing a little funny. Hes stable enough that I decide to go home to the kids. I get home at 1045 and put the kids to bed. Next morning the kids and i get here around 1045. The kids have to meet with a social worker before they can see David. I get them all checked in, they meet her and I bring them back. David is still burning up, breathing quickly...he just isn't doing well. I get the kids to the daycare and sit with David. He begins to talk crazy. I am terrified, but trying to keep calm. I get the doctor and he immediately starts getting things going...David begins oxygen but the nose oxygen isn't doing the trick. Th doctor begins to explain the stages of how they use oxygen. I am in for a long night. Kids go to my brother in laws cuz David has asked me to stay becase it is possible he is going to be put on a ventilator tonight. David is put on a PAP machine. He sleeps about 45 minutes with it and he is doing great...then he rips it off. All the alarms go off. They get him settled again. He sleeps another 45 minutes and again he rips it off. The night ICU doctor starts to talk to me about the ventilator....and I have to tell David. I sit by his bed and through tears tell him he is going to be have to put on the ventilator....he understands and in 20 minutes I am escorted out of his rooms. I am right outside his room. I lean up against the wall, I slide down to the floor and lose it. I have not broken down like this during this past 2 months.....I am on the floor rocking and crying. No one can fix this and no one but David can make me feel better....I'm in hell..I've just put my husband on a ventilator! OMG WHAT HAVE I DONE???? Welcome to my personal hell.