Monday, June 18, 2012
Hell is never far behind
Hell may be in my rear view mirror but it's far from over! Tonight I realized that people are doing all kinds of things for David. He's extremely lucky to have his family. His parents are there for him, his brother and sister too. They are ready to come if and when needed. I'm jealous that he has that. Then my mom is here for him...she is taking care of the kids so that I can spend the 12-15 hours a day at the hospital or spend the night if I need to. David also has all of his friends that are sending text messages, emails and starting prayers around the different parts of the state. Then you have the crazy girls who are proclaiming their love for David and whining how things didn't work out and how they wanna go entertain him at the hospital when I'm not around....are you kidding me?? He didn't want you the first time why does he want you now? We also have my friends who are bringing dinners and offering to take me out do I get a break. He has so much....but why do I feel all alone? Why do I feel like I have no one and he has everyone? Why? My sweet friend seem to know what I need. They have really let me be and when I start to feel blue it's almost like they know and I get a text message that helps me get through the blues. Then I have my blog...it has been a great outlet for me. But it has become a great source of pain becaue people read it and it hurts their feelings. So now I have people mad at me for the way I feel. Like I need anymore stress to add to my plate. Everyone tells me how strong I am, that I am an inspiration for the way I'm handling things...but truly inside I'm hanging on by a thread. And now I have to worry about other peoples feeling and how I hurt them because of the way I'm feeling while I'm dealing with my husbands cancer, trying to help the kids through their feelings and trying to keep things as normal as possible for them....and that leaves nothing for me. I seem to be an after thought for everyone except my close friends, sister and my mom. Yes it a great network I have, but the network is so much bigger for David because his is here and they are here for him.... I'm just the after thought...the careagiver.....
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Don't worry about hurting feelings....people will get over it. They should think about the stress you are under.
ReplyDeleteBeing the care giver is so, so hard and believe me, I have seen it first hand. The important thing is to get David well and the rest will all work out. Take a deep breath, take a break, and think how lucky David must feel with you there helping him! Hang in there....
ReplyDeleteHey kiddo- Sometimes being the caregiver is much harder than being the one that is sick for exactly the reasons you stated above. I've witnessed this with my parents when my Dad had cancer (and he did beat it!). Please listen to me right now Ann. You have got to take care of you. There are support groups and counselors at the hospital that can help you sort through your feelings. Talk to them. Talk to your friends. I promise you your real friends will listen to you anytime and as long as you need to talk. Also, remember to pray. Let God help you with this. When my family went through this I would repeat over and over to myself (when I thought I could take no more) "This too shall pass". For some reason that comforted me. I hope it gives you a bit of comfort too.
ReplyDeleteAnn, I think it is very courageous to be so open with your feelings. I found your blog sort of by accident, but am so glad I did. I never considered the journey a caregiver faces before. Since reading your blog, I continue to pray for your husband, but I pray even more for you. Thread or not, it takes a super amount of strength to do what you are doing. It is unfortunate that truth sometimes hurts, but that is the nature of the beast. You do what you need to do to get through this. If I may be so bold, "those girls" are just plain tacky and classless. Shame on them. Seriously.
ReplyDeleteI tried to post the link to a devotional that brought me great comfort when I greatly needed it. Unfortunately, I can't figure out how to do that in a comment. If you google "The Refiner's Touch" (whenever you have a spare moment--and I know those are few and far between for you right now), it's the first one that pops up--regarding Malachi 3:3. I would hope that something in there might encourage you greatly as it did me. It's a beautiful, humbling, and comforting devotion.
Sincerely,
Alyssa M.
Ann, the caregiver is the hardest job out there. I know this first hand and way to many times in the past 12 years. When you get down and out text me and I will be there to encouragee you. Dont worry about what others think. You will never make everyone happy. I sure have learned that as a caretaker for my husband. The decisions you make are not easy because you usually don't have much time to think about them. Just remember your priority is you, David, and the kid.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you every day.